That's Life

2003-06-14T20:00:00.000-05:00

I've been on vacation... so of course I haven't writen. In Moscow Idaho now, it's quite cool, visiting a really good friend I haven't seen for a while. She gave me a livejournal code, so instead of blogger I'm gonna use that... and the url is: http://livejournal.com/~reluisant

So now instead of this... I'm gonna use that... so all my old entries will still be here, but the new ones starting from June 14, will be in the livejournal...

2003-06-08T21:47:00.000-05:00

Star Light Star Bright... First Star I see tonight... I wish I may... I wish I might... Have the wish I wish tonight. I wished upon the first star I saw tonight. I was riding my bike outside, and I looked up and saw the moon shining down. And then I looked to the right and I saw the star. It was the only one in the sky. So I stopped my bike in the middle of the grassy area and lay down on the ground and looked up at the star. i thought about everything and made a wish. I don't think it'll come true, but it was a wish anyways. Sometimes, even if you know something will never happen, it still helps to dream that it will. To hope and wish that it will happen. Though that doesn't help if you're trying to forget something.

So it was hectic today... Tomorrow we leave early in the morning... 5:45 flight. We're gonna be gone for about 2 weeks. Gonna miss everyone... but I think it'll be fun, I hope. Anyways, there was so much nervousness and rush and annoyance in everyone, it was horrible. But at least it's over and we're about to leave. It'll be a blast. Though I didn't do anything interesting today. so it's all good. Anyways... gonna go now. I love you all and will miss EVERYONE!

2003-06-07T23:44:00.000-05:00

in time, hearts do heal and you just have to pick up your heart, put it back together and move on.

i spend most of my time questioning whether it was my fault...or what was i thinking in the first place to go out with them.

2003-06-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

Grades came back, yeah, highlight of my day... not really. thanks to everyone in our CS project, A+ baby! Though I didn't think our CD really worked, but it's all good. Thanks for putting up with me and all... I know it was hard... ;) Didn't have much to worry about in English, it was all good too. And Eurasia, though I screwed up the essay, oh well. I'm pretty happy right now, all over some dumb grades, geez, I'm so pathetic. I'm now gonna go outside and do something interesting. buh bye!

2003-06-07T20:16:00.000-05:00

It was a great time Friday. We should do it again sometime... same thing... except maybe at Turkey Run! Someone should drive us there and then spend the day there, and maybe even the night... it would be hott! (I can't believe i used that word, oh well) Pool parties are a lot of fun, especially when the pool is heated and it's really cold outside. It's great. Especially all the hot bodies... ;) Secret clubs... food... Harry Potter... movies that you don't quite understand... foosball... ping pong (totally killing a guy in that game cause they cheat!)... everything was fun. Especially hanging out with people that are totally awesome and cool. Thanks to everyone and everything that makes a friday the best... even with the Delights.

Today we went to the showcase at Ironwood, to see all the very beautiful houses and to wish that we could buy a house like that in that exact area with everything exactly like it. Though my parents are planning on moving to an area like that in Champaign like next year or something. I don't know if I want to or not. Cause Urbana is pretty awesome in the first place. Then again it would be cool to live in a cooler house in another neighborhood. oh well. Cause my parents will probably end up not getting one. Just as well.

Have you realized that with some guys, even though you like them a lot, and they're so easy to hang out with, it's like a best friend sort of bond. Yet some of these best friend bonds don't turn out to be something that would work in a relationship, they're more of a brother/sister sort of relationship. And with some people, it's the best. I'm glad for that, and don't want it to change, so I won't do anything stupid. Those are the ones that last a long time... and with the right people, it's the best thing in the world. Even other people notice it, it's like you've got a special bond with that person and nothing can break it. You can be stupid around them, a bitch, a totally loser... and you can do anything around them, and it won't be awkward or they won't think you like them... Then with other people, it's a want... a need... something that just grabs your attention. It's a different sort of relationship than a brother/sister... You feel comfortable with them, and love to hang out with them, and you feel as if something was lost if you don't talk to them or see them... Yet it doesn't seem enough/right... there's something more in the "bond". You feel something different. It's confusing... and that's what I'm so confused about... (yeah, sounds stupid and crazy, like I'm high or something) but I can't figure out what exactly I'm feeling for specific people. It's as if sometimes things are different and other times they aren't. It's a revolving circle and stuff... Yet thanks to nuole, I have one person figured out... and it's all cool cause it works for me and him. though he doesn't know it yet...

I love you all!

2003-06-05T23:29:00.000-05:00

I still do. I know I don't want to. but I still do. I know some people will totally hurt me if I tell them that, but I still do, and there's nothing that can change that. unless something extremely drastic happens. Reason is I don't even know why. It always seems there always one person, or maybe two, that's "addictive"... no matter what happens, I bounce right back to them. The thing is that it's not exactly healthy for me to do that. Cause then I focus so much on that, and i don't realize everything else that's going on in my life, that might be really nice too. And then i woulda missed that opportunity. I need someone to show me why I should forget it, and move on.

2003-06-05T20:34:00.000-05:00

Went to see the Italian Job today at the movie, and it was a pretty cool movie. I didn't want to see it at first cause it kinda seemed stupid, but then it wasn't bad. anyways, so the moral of today is, don't sneak into a movie when there aren't many people at the movie theater. No matter how tempting the prospect of not having to pay any money to see a movie, and there's no one there checking tickets, there will always be some way that someone will find out you snuck in and ask to see your ticket. So then either you have to buy another ticket or get kicked out or reprimended. Spelling of that. But that's what happened. And I will never ever follow Devin into a movie without paying, cause someone will find out I didn't pay. so then I didn't end up going to OG cause my mom decided to be about 20 minutes late. Nuole just came over. Going to the mall tomorrow morning. doing something saturday and sunday. It's gonna be a packed week before I leave to see MARY!!! I am so excited.

blah. I can't get my thoughts out right now. cause they're all confused again, write later.

so turns out nothing's happening saturday... cause I'm too lazy... but it'll be cool tomorrow.

2003-06-04T21:14:00.000-05:00

today was cool. watching the Nets vs. Spurs Game 1. Have a feeling Spurs are gonna win... I like both of the teams, but I would feel bad for the Nets if they lost... for some reason... oh well. You get into the game so much after a while. Spurs 45 Nets 42. 11:12 in 3rd quarter. Nuole came over at like 2 and we decided to have a huge party thing on saturday at hessel park... it'll be fun... if we end up organizing one, it shouldn't be that hard... all we have to do is invite the people. I need a job... cause I want a lot more money. i should find one this summer or next. Ha... Nets down by 5. missed last 6 shots. ok, I'm gonna stop with this information. So... today at like 3, nuole and I played bball... or tried to play with al and his brother Mike. It was fun. Then Daniel and Udara showed up... and Justin and Cameron. It was fun. Then nuole went to piano and i stole her house key and went inside her house to watch TV and then we went back to the court with Roveiza... played truth, but it wasn't as fun. Sometime happened that made me laugh and think. anyways. I hope we plan on doing something saturday, cause it would be really fun. Nets down by 3... pretty cool. oops... 8... oh well, they have 6 more games. so... I don't want what's gonna happen tomorrow to happen... cause it'll suck. I'm not making any sense to anyone but like me and 2-3 other people. Oh well. leaving on monday. 16 points!! wtf... they can't lose this. so... now they are now down by 15. it sux. ok, I'm gonna stop giving the points, cause it's stupid.

I am so confused. I think I still do... but then again, I don't want to, cause it would be a huge mistake. I can't get it out of my head, why?!?! Then again I think that there might be someone else, and this one should definately not be in mind, but it just seems right somehow... oh well.

I do want to do something saturday... so someone should plan to do something like have a party. Anything interesting before I have to leave. la. thanks.

2003-06-03T22:42:00.000-05:00

Recital today... it went ok... Saw Andrew W. there. It was cool, hadn't talked to him for the Longest time. Ok... so right now... I am truly bored... nothing to do. I'm going to stop being lazy and throw a party or something. I want something really exciting and interesting to happen. Something that is so unexpected it'll blow my mind... Someone should do that... then I would be really happy and I would love you forever and ever...

2003-06-02T18:15:00.000-05:00

Wow... i can't believe I passed up an opportunity to be unbored. But then again I couldn't've gotten a ride because my parents weren't here... but they should make the same invitation, and then so I can be unbored some other time. i have a piano recital tomorrow... and I don't really know my song completely. but I want something else to do tomorrow and wednesday, cause thursday I already have plans... and something to do on friday and saturday. Sunday i have to pack to get ready to leave at like 5 in the morning on monday. so I have to spend as much time as I can with my friends and EVERYONE before I leave. I'm going to be gone and w/o the internet... most likely... for 2 whole weeks (Getting back on the 25th). blah, I'm gonna miss so many people. When I come back someone should have a huge party and invite everyone... wishful thinking. And then someone should do something really cool for July 4th and make everything happy. I'm thinking too far ahead... maybe cause summer's gonna be pretty boring... anyways... today I went with Nuole at like 10 to the university library. then we took the bus to Lincoln Square, bought some sour jelly bellies, then went to the Urbana Library and the Bank. too out money from my account... checked out lots of movies. Then walked home to her house, took about 30 minutes. Then we watched Princess Bride, went to pick up my brother and watched Spiderman. Just about to watch Minority Report and Bourne Identity and Training Day. It'll be a partay... later y'all!!!!!

2003-06-01T23:39:00.000-05:00

I put butter, with the wrapper, in the microwave today and heated it up... and then it burst in flames, but I got it out because anything serious happened... it was kinda funny though. I wasn't really thinking... I forgot things could explode. Like the time i put the can of ravioli into Morris' microwave... that was an accident...

I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everybody can see these scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got

[Chorus]
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)

I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can but sometimes I don't make sense
I am what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out
So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got

2003-06-01T21:36:00.000-05:00

Do you wake up on your own? And wonder where you are You live with all your faults And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete Little pieces of the nothin' that fall

I believe in the sand beneath my toes The beach gives a feeling An earthy feeling I believe in the faith that grows And the four right chords can make me cry When I'm with you I feel like I could die And that would be all right The sky it was gold, it was rose I was taking sips of it through my nose And I wish I could get back there Some place back there Smiling in the pictures you would take

All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us.

It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me? -Cinderella

Love is magic. But magic is sometimes...just an illusion.

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

Don't wish upon a star; reach for one.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

2003-06-01T15:45:00.000-05:00

Optimists expect the best and when it doesn't happen they get a huge disappointment. Pessimists on the other hand expect for the worst and when it goes the other way they get a huge surprise. I heard that on television, and if you think about it, it is really true.

Went to Josie's house and we slept over and all. And then during the night, we were in the clubhouse, I was sleeping under the open window. And the wind was blowing REALLY hard, and there was a cup of water on the sill. so like at like 4 in the morning the wind blows really hard and the cup falls down, and it lands on my head, and it got my pillow and my hair all wet... and part of my shirt. so I had to sleep all wet cause we were outside and I didn't feel like walking outside to the house. It was actually pretty funny after I woke up.

We were driving down the countryroad, I think it was Friday, and I looked out the window and you could see all the rows and rows of corn and soybeans. you realize that all of them are all planted in neat little rows, and you can see it when you're driving really fast, the neat rows organized and all. And then when you actually walk into the field they seem a mess, nothing organized anymore, there's just plants surrounding you completely. This kinda, strangely, reminds me of my life. It looks like it's all organized and neat, completely put together, but when you actually live it, or step into it, you realize that's it a complete mess. There's stuff surrounding me everyone, feelings/emotions, people, I have no idea where to turn or what to do. When I think that I have things all sorted out, something happens that just mixes it all up. At this point, I think I still do... but I can never be sure.

Went to a party yesterday, and learned that I am not tolerant of alcohol at all. My friend like drank half a cup of strawberry kiwi cooler... and it barely has any alcohol in it. Then I decided to take a small sip, it was like a drop. And then I threw up. it was nasty. She thought it tasted like soda, all bubbly, but to me it tasted like alcohol, or it tasted like what alcohol smells like.

Anyways, went to the library today... and I walked downstairs to look for my brother. and these guys were sitting playing checkers... and then one of them goes Hey. so I turned and I said hi back, though I had no idea who they were. And then as I left one of them whistled... and then I got freaked out, so I left the library from downstairs and walked around it to the second floor. They were freaky though.

But I can't believe it's summer and I have nothing I have to do, like homework or whatever. It's weird. but now it's really boring, and I'm gonna go now...

2003-05-29T22:29:00.000-05:00

so... who's... life... can... I... indirectly... fuck... up... now? Why does everything that I say, come out wrong? somehow I wish someone would just teach me not to listen to any gossip or to repeat it, to keep pretending that I don't know things, to know that I don't have to get in the middle of all of it. But then you think about it... and it seems that some people just make you feel bad, maybe not on purpose, but it always ends up happening. It seems to be your fault, all of it, just from one little statement. Now you know what? maybe it's not me, maybe it's the others... now I don't really care how it ends, except for the people I really care about. I hate the fact that you may hate me, but I can't stop that. I hate the fact that I can't tell everyone all that I know. I hate the fact I can't keep things to myself. i hate the fact that everything I do ends up going wrong. I hate the fact I have no idea what to do in life. I hate the fact that I can always screw things up. i hate the fact promises are meant to be kept, on both ends of the deal, and secrets are meant to be kept, yet somehow it ends up wrong. I hate the fact that no one understands, or maybe it's just me that can't explain it right. but you know what I hate most of all? all of this... everything. every fucking thing going on right now. i hate what I did, I hate what happened, I hate how I don't listen to other people, i hate every fucking thing. I don't know how all of this happens, and I wish it never did... and it can never happen again... all it takes is one simple thing. me to disappear. Thanks for making my day.

2003-05-28T22:15:00.000-05:00

Pistashio13: they paved paradise and put up a parking lot

It was fun, Katie, Josie... we should do that again some other time!

2003-05-28T22:11:00.000-05:00

i wish I just knew what I'm feeling right now... but I don't... it's so weird. I really wish I did though. it's confusing... Do you ever get the feeling that you're just not meant for something? It just doesn't seem like anything's supposed to happen...?

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
You're the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever be
just don't want to miss you tonight
When everything's made to be broken

And you can't see when all your dreams aren't coming true

all out of order... oh well... some thoughts just going through my head about things, people, random stuff... kind of sums everything up about all sorts of stuff...

2003-05-27T21:47:00.000-05:00

Who would've thought that so many things can change in a period of 3 hours... so many feelings, opinions, thoughts, memories... I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it fucking pisses me off. It pisses me off people don't tell the truth, it pisses me off that people deceive easily, it pisses me off that people can make you feel so stupid, it pisses me off that people can take joy in being assholes, and what pisses me off the most is that I believed it. It really makes me feel stupid that I couldn't see right through it. I know I don't care, because it was a feeling I had, that it wasn't something that was working. It isn't what was said that pisses me off, it was what wasn't and all the pretending. I can't stand it when I know something that affects me, but I don't really know it. I can't say anything, can't confront people about it... I have to act stupid and believe every word being fed to me. i have to be able to nod my head and agree with every word said that was just made up to deceive and make you feel even stupider. You have to be a pretty good actor to be able to do that. To make it seem like you know nothing and heard nothing, but in reality you did and it hurt. It doesn't take much to show you didn't care, that it didn't hurt you emotionally, to show you're not mad it happen, upset, angered, especially when you felt none of those. I wanna be able to forget it all, to not feel like things that are happening now are any way related to what I did, to make it so that I don't feel bad and make others feel bad. But it just really fucking pisses me off that something that one person did can make me feel so stupid... it makes me feel I can't trust anyone anymore. It makes me feel... really stupid... and that just pisses me off. Especially when the thing that pisses you off wasn't your fault... yet it still makes you feel like there's something wrong with you.

no one should say sorry... because it's probably not what you think this post is about... and if you did, then you shouldn't feel sorry cause it's not your fault.

2003-05-27T17:07:00.000-05:00

I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off... Today was the Last day of school and it was AWESOME... really really cool. All of my assignments are done for a whole entire summer and all I have to worry about is Finals, which I won't worry about in the first place... Wow, I gotta admit, I do feel a lot better after today... I had been feeling so guilty and so much of a bitch since yesterday... but now I don't have to. Katie, I hate to admit it, but you were right like always and next time I should listen to you... cause I worried about a lot of things and it was for nothing. I will remember this for ever and ever just for you, and I'll always listen to you. It took me yesterday and today to realize there was nothing special. Kept debating it in my mind but I really never wanted to admit it... that was stupid. But I feel like I'm still walking in a dream... one that's twice as good... because I have nothing to worry about at all anymore... not for a VERY long time. Thanks for everything, everyone!!!! It was a great year... wow... I'm going to get some ice cream

but then you have to ask, wtf was with it in the first place? this has got to make me more untrustful of people.

2003-05-26T23:30:00.000-05:00

I'm going to sleep and never waking up until finals week is over...

I feel as if I'm really procrastinating and I need to really stop doing that... Cause I still have to write my conclusion to my assignment 5 of bio and go over everything else that I wrote before and also review one more website. I hopefully can finish that tomorrow during bio and during lunch and free period... But then I have to do my math worksheet that I still put off... which I wanna be able to do during french. Then I have to study for french... and math tomorrow... and I haven't practiced piano which I should cause I have lessons wednesday and a recital next week. I need this week to hurry up and end so that I don't have to worry about school stuff anymore... and stop procrastinating. Things need to stop being confusing and hard and just unwind itself and make everything just perfect...

yet even with all of this school crap going on... I still feel like I'm walking through a dream, a dream that I wish I would never wake up from yet I know I will... sometime... just not now...

2003-05-26T22:09:00.000-05:00

Putting off a huge project until the last day is never a good idea, especially when you have no idea wtf you're doing. But oh well, I had fun this weekend and I wouldn've changed it at all. Thanks to everyone who made this day sooooooooooooo cool and making me not want to do bio at all (seriously)... I'm about to do my last assignment and put off like what I didn't finish tomorrow during bio when we have an hour... and then the hour during free period... and during Cs... but then I decided that's not a good idea... but I will put off my last website thing for tomorrow. I have no idea where to find a good website... and I don't really give a damn. Oops... math... finals week... here we go.

It was a blast today, it was worth putting off my bio project... until I'm actually doing it... it's gonna be a late night... gonna go get some candy and stuff... lotsa luv, buh bye.

Johnson... what you said in your blog... nuh uh... you don't want to be...

2003-05-26T13:26:00.000-05:00

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart,
For times when my life seems so low

2003-05-25T18:41:00.000-05:00

something's going on... and I don't like it... stop.

sometimes I think to myself if I did the right thing or not... maybe if I did something else it would be different now... Maybe I did what was right, but I wasn't ready for it... (wow, that sounds really weird) or maybe it was just a big mistake in the first place... maybe I should've listened to what my friends had to say... I don't know... it's just so complicated... (exactly what you were talking about Katie) but I don't care now... it's fine.

2003-05-24T21:04:00.000-05:00

It's like I'm living in a dream...

went to Hessel Park today and stayed there for about 4hours... but before that I had some people over, Lucy, Nuole, Renner, and Justin, we "studied" for english. It was fun just to talk about stuff, we played "Truth or Dare" except without the Dares. Anyways, then they left and I had to go to Hessel park but I dragged Nuole with me and Katie met us there so it wasn't bad anymore. We played football, frisbee, basketball, and like so much, it was entertaining. Then we talked... it was nice, except for the bugs. We played football so much, not saying that I'm any good at it, but my arm hurts, think I pulled something. And then throwing the frisbee takes more arm muscle that I imagined. Oh well, we're going to play football or something as a big group after finals sometime...

It feels like I'm in a dream right now or something. Nothing seems real like it actually happened, and somethings I'm glad happened and others I wish I could just push away, to erase it completely. Sometimes I wish I could help out but I have no idea what to do... you don't want to betray someone but then again you don't want them to hurt themselves. And maybe I'm making it seem more severe than it is, but I don't want to believe, even if it's the truth. I wish somethings would stay and others would just leave. I have no idea what to do...

2003-05-24T13:42:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you know that somebody you really care about is doing something to hurt themselves? You can't and don't wanna say anything to hurt them or hurt yourself? It's really scary... i know I could do something to help, and I know I should, but it's so hard to do what's right sometimes... and if you're reading this, I really do care about u, and don't do anything to hurt yourself.

Yesterday was Friday, and it was really nice. Delights was "closed", so Nuole thought, so we went to the Quad Shop, but I still got my ice cream. (They ended up opening it at like 4:10) Went to see Bruce Almighty with a bunch of people, it wasn't that bad of a movie. It was a good time though.

I love the feeling you get when something good happens to you and nothing, absolutely nothing can stop that feeling. It just kinda stays with you for a while, and it makes you feel good. It doesn't matter what other people say, what they do, or anything, everything's just perfect...

2003-05-22T22:47:00.000-05:00

right. concert, Happy Thursday, life... pretty good. when we were walking back from the concert, Nuole's mom parked the car like a 10 minute walk away. So we walked around Campus for a while, and Nuole was seriously high. She like pretended to use her violin to hit invisible people around her, mimicked a guy that was outside on the steps laugh, and like went up behind a tree and did who knows what. It was funny. but campus is really nice outside during the night. It's so quiet. (Al, if you're reading this, I'm sorry again... but you need to like tell me those things and not lie when I asked you like a while ago... but it was cool, how I knew what you were talking about in your blog and no one else did... I felt special!)

Then again, tomorrow's Friday... which is always a good thing. lotsa luv, I'm getting some sleep!

2003-05-21T22:21:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow's gonna be so cool. It's HAPPY THURSDAY! and then we have open gym... and we get ice cream and candy on our lockers... it's gonna be such a happy day... I think. blah. I am so bored. bio isn't fun. screw it all I'm going to sleep.

2003-05-21T21:19:00.000-05:00

Last night I went outside at like 10:30 and sat outside on my patio to look up at the stars, it was really relaxing, but kinda cold. It cleared my head though. So today we went to the Spurlock Museum and it was quite boring, there was like nothing to do at all, the exhibits were pretty cool. The Roman statues ;)! lol. When we got back we got our yearbooks, pretty tight. I liked last year's design on the inside better and all, but this year's cover I really like, it's plain but "stylish". Cookies are good. We have an open gym tomorrow, I want to go... but we also have a concert, oh well. Decided when we're gonna study for English, guess it's gonna be over at my house now. What a blast. I have no idea what to say right now... there's really nothing to say. so yeah. wow, I'm quite bored right now. people need to get online, so I can talk to them... oh well. I am going to stop writing now cause if I keep writing it'll just be rambling and nothing exciting, buh bye.

2003-05-20T22:07:00.000-05:00

so many thoughts running through my head.

2003-05-20T19:02:00.000-05:00

I got the cookie today, and it was really really YUMMY! I want another one... Yearbook's tomorrow! What excitement. Dude, I am like scarred for life, Domier touched my ass today afterschool, I am going to kill that pervert. i mean it was bad enough he put his arm around me when he was walking by, I mean i don't mind some people doing that, but ugh. So then someone went and told everyone Domier touched me, and ewwwwwww. Anyways, and then Johnson, embarrassed me today (If you're reading this you shouldn't do it again just to embarass me cause it wasnt't called for) Especially when you ask people if they think I'm hot, and no they don't worship me because they just dont, and I'm not what you said I was. Cause it doesn't help you feel better when you don't think it's true, and stuff... Awards thing was today, it was kinda stupid. But it was fun afterwards *wink wink* oh well. Tomorrow's the field trip and math quiz and I forgot to bring my math book home, and the people have to run the 5K, all I have to say is: HAHAHA... cause I get to be a human cone and stop traffic... haha, yeah right.

I have come to peace with my "inner self" I know exactly what I'm feeling... I'm so happy.

2003-05-19T21:28:00.000-05:00

I feel happy, Austin's gonna bring me a cookie tomorrow, one that he baked himself... I think... yummy. and I feel all warm and fuzzy cause of what Austin told me, cause it just makes me feel all special. lol. hmmmmm... tomorrow's the award's assembly, and it's really stupid cause you just sit there and talk about nothing for about 2 hours in the Illini Union with everyone else and then you leave. I guess it's better than class... And then Wednesday we have our trip to Spurlock Museum! what a blast. then concert thursday. this is so boring, I want something interesting to do. Max Rich is the most annoying person ever... he like has no life and I hate how he thinks he's so much better than everyone else and even acts it, when he's wrong like half of the time, it's the stupidest thing, ugh. sigh...

Yearbook's coming out this Wednesday. Last year I read my yearbook like 5 times throughtout the summer. Then I read through my old ones, I miss all my friends from Urbana. Then I start thinking what would happen if I went back. I dunno, sometimes I think I would like it better over there because a lot of the people are so much cooler and sometimes I just really miss them. i miss you all! They were a lot more interesting in some aspects too. But then I can't exactly leave UNI because I guess I would some of the people here too, that I also don't wanna leave.

it's so complicated, liking people, especially when you don't stand a chance...

2003-05-18T21:58:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get the feeling you like someone that you really shouldn't? I hate it.

2003-05-18T16:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a blast, other than the 5K, but I don't wanna think about that. I'm perfectly fine with my time... I guess, but I think I coulda done better... but I'm just glad it's over with and I don't wanna think about it until next year when we have to run it again. Anyways, afterwards I went home for about an hour and then went over to Josie's house from like 12-9:40ish... It was a blast. We first studied for bio for about 3 hours? i guess... And then we went outside to their clubhouse and then over to her neighbors yard to climb a tree. It was kinda windy so it was freaky so instead we ran their doorbell, and this kid, about 11 years old came and we asked if we could use their trampoline, IT WAS FUN! They had one of those really big ones and we jumped on it for like an hour. I've never ever been on one of those until yesterday and it was fun. Then we went back and studied for like 30 more minutes and we sang some Karokee for about 2 hours. It was a blast, we then made a song for everyone and sang it to them over the phone. (Nuole, I'm sure you enjoyed the message!) Anyways... then came home and went to sleep and today I did nothing exciting. Katie's coming over in like 2 hours and I have to finish my English play thing... sigh. I can't wait til finals week. I'm gonna take a camera to school everyday and takes like hundreds of pictures, the end of this year was so awesome. We finally figured out what we're doing for the summer... On like June 7 Alyssa has her thing that I should go to. Then fron June 10-25 we're going to Vancouver, Seattle, Idaho, and Yellowstone. It's going to be extremely stressful but at least I get to see Mary... for 2 days... oh well. then I'm coming back and from July 5-8ish I'm going to the basketball camp. and from July 14-August 14 I have Driver's Ed. Then throughout July and August I'm taking tennis lessons with a bunch of people. And on top of that I have piano and more basketball and I have to study for SAT's... what fun... And then throughout the summer the subbie buddy stuff... I have too much to do this summer. Ohhhhhh well... at least it's not school.

I'm in a good mood... I've got everything figured out and all... what fun!

2003-05-16T21:46:00.000-05:00

went to see the Matrix today with a bunch of people, it was cool overall... though the whole freeway scene, the fighting was so long and so "exciting". What Ms. Linder said about the climax and holding it over too long to make your adreneline go up or whatever, yeah, that's what it was like. And then all of the sex scenes, especially the one where they were like holding a big orgy (in Ito's words) was long too. But the worst thing was the ending. To be concluded, what kind of ending is that?! I hate endings like that... hopefully it comes out really soon so we don't have to wait so long to see it. And one of the best parts was that I saw Jordan and Jake!!!! They're the same people from a lllllllooooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggg time ago... except when Jake came out of the car, i didn't know who he was... I was happy I got to see them.

I found out my answer to my problem, it's no. but now I just have another dilemma... but I have to go to sleep since I have to run the 5K tomorrow in the Twincity Twosome. What fun! buh bye, good night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-05-16T16:47:00.000-05:00

Today has been a really nice day... so far... there's still some time left until the end of the day. We had our Eurasia exam and it was pretty easy, I memorized like so many dates for that, it was amazing... Except I left out the stuff about Hugh Capet in the French Monarchy which really sucks because it was because of him that they were so strong, he's gonna take off a fair amount of points for that... anyways, CS presentation was also today and it also went really well, though I didn't get to finish explaining my flash thing and I didn't know what to say until we went up there, we played it by ear. Yet everyone thought that we knew what we were talking about... it was really cool. Wow, things just went really nice today. MERF INVITED US TO HER VARSITY CAMP! (Nuole and I) And it's during the summer, and yet it doesn't mean we're gonna be on varsity, we're still gonna be able to practice and play with them. It's so cool, I am so excited. I am over 5 feet... we were measuring our height in PE, and Doug decides to be funny. so when I go up there everyone gets quiet and then starts to cheer and then Doug measures my height. And he goes, you're... 39 inches... everyone starts cracking up. then it gets quiet again and then he announces my height, which surprisingly is shorter than what it was at the beginning of the year. He measures wrong, that's my prediction... And then the weight thing seems kinda weird because I should weigh more than it said I weighed... oh well. I had a nice day today, let's see how it ends up.... lalala. tomorrow the Twincity Twosome, it's gonna be so exciting... though I'm kinda nervous cause I'm still sick...

But what I hate the most is that Dr. J is leaving, cause all of the candidates other than Dr. Patton (the lady) seems to be someone who brings a lot of change into UNI, that would change all the rules and things that are happening... Dr. J shouldn't leave, he's an awesome principal. And I saw him j-walking across whatever street it's called in front of the Illini Union, so now I don't feel bad or feel like I'm doing anything illegal when I J-walk.

Went to Delights and had an Oreo sundae, it was soooooooooooooooooooooooo good... and I could actually taste it... and now I'm gonna go now... buh bye.

2003-05-15T22:11:00.000-05:00

Last post was Katie's as you can tell... Cs presentation tomorrow and I have no idea wtf I'm going to say. Also have a Eurasia Final, which I think'll be pretty easy since it's just 2 essays and the topic is like pretty simple since it's interesting anyways. I'm still gonna study in like PE or something... we have to actually work on our presentation during free period, ugh, and free periods are supposed to be fun... Too many tests during the end of the year, I have no idea what i'm doing. There's like too much stuff floating around my head, I won't be able to focus at all tomorrow, at least it's Friday... but then there's the Twincity Twosome and then I have to study again for bio on Sunday... and then like English which we're doing a play for Romeo and Juliet and I can't speak in an Alabamian accent cause it's just stupid. I should really go to sleep now, but I need to figure things out...

I took a test, on purity level, and I'm 90% pure, and there's no one that took the test, out of like 5 million, that are that amount pure, I am so unique... I have to find a time to study with Justin for the English Final, that's complicated... oh yeah, elections were today... it was a blast, but we don't know the results... Justin'll freak out and literally kill me if he loses... so hopefully he won't.

Wow, I'm just rambling on cause there's really nothing exciting going on... except I really need to get my thoughts straightened out over what I've been like obsessing about for the past two days, cause I need to decide on it and why. There's so many aspects in this that I discussed with Nuole... and it's still so confusing... All this finals stuff and school stuff isn't helping... I need sleep...

2003-05-15T20:37:00.000-05:00

This is Julie. lately, ive been having problems. you see, al really wants to go public now, which is not cool cuz i was kinda hoping to keep it a secret.

oh, and katie is such a cool person. you should give her money. free money.

2003-05-14T20:47:00.000-05:00

I was riding to my piano lessons and suddenly the tornado thing went off so I went to my lessons anyway, and we stayed for like 10 minutes in her basement and I came home. Geez, they say they spot a funnel cloud but then it's like not here anyways... my brother is so freaked out, but surprisingly I'm not. I need to type up my flowcharts cause people need them tomorrow and I need to do my CS, but I don't feel like doing them. I need to go outside and think, just sit and watch the clouds move and think, about everything. my head is like a big mess right now, everything's mixing with everything else sending mixed signals, I hate it. But today was cool... there wasn't much going on... so it's pretty boring right now... ta ta (Subbie always have the most interesting conversations... it's amazing)

2003-05-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

I need help... I can't get this out of my head... do I or don't I? and if I do, then why? and if I don't then why does it matter?

2003-05-13T20:42:00.000-05:00

Nuole and I are such stalkers, it's like a game... we don't even care about them, but it's something fun to do... lol, yeah, we're just gonna keep telling ourselves that. Anyways... ran the mile today and I am so pissed cause I coulda done so much better if I had sprinted the last stretch, like it was probably possible but I didn't... I am so pissed at myself... do you realize that Ben Erickson got a time of 6:19 last year at the end of the year. I am amazed. I'm done talking about that now, cause it's over and done with.

I am so ready for the end of school, finals this year are going to be easy as hell... hope I didn't jinx myself there. I can not wait until the summer because then I get get away from some people and crap. Our CS presentation is this Friday and we have nothing... we haven't even finished our like presentation part of it, let alone our project, but that's not our fault, it's because the program is being stupid and hates us. oh well.

I think it's so stupid, setting limits to a guy doing something to you or you're gonna break up with them, I mean don't go out with them anyway if that's how it's going to be. Ok that made no sense... but only a slut says that if their boyfriend doesn't kiss them in the next two weeks, they will break up with them... cause no one else does that, cause it's a stupid thing to do, shouldn've said yes in the first place then, geez...

2003-05-12T22:08:00.000-05:00

You know, I gotta keep telling myself that I don't care... and that life really is gonna get much better. You know, I really don't know why I cared so much about any of this crap cause it has nothing to do with me, I'm not attached... It's not gonna kill me. You know, sometimes I just don't get it... why does it hurt so much when there are no feelings attached... or maybe there was. why does it suck so much when it shouldn't even matter? why is it that somethings just take all my time and energy to figure out yet nothing's ever going to change or nothing good is ever going to come out of it, you can't change other people's minds no matter how hard you try yet you also can't change your mind when it's set on something? Why is it that i can't change it slightly? Why does it have to go that way? but mainly, why the fuck do I care?

2003-05-12T21:16:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how you can look back on everything and realize that you've grown more mature, it's unnerving. You realize like through your actions and words that you've changed. I dunno what it is, but I'm content being who I am, like I don't really wanna change anything drastic about myself. (Running the 5K this Saturday at Twin City Twosome, it'll be a blast) I have nothing interesting to say, nothing at all that I wanna talk about... wow I am so bored right now, People are such losers. later.

2003-05-11T17:23:00.000-05:00

stop pissing me off i have an infatuation with you

Anyways, I went to Lone Star Steakhouse and it wasn't that good... and now I'm going to try to finish my long awaited essay.

2003-05-11T13:06:00.000-05:00

It was the funniest thing... I was at Pages For All Ages today, and this girl, she was like 11 or something, went up to her mom, or her grandmother (looked more like her grandma) and randomly asked, "What are hot flashes?" And she repeated the question like 5 times and looked so happy to be asking this question, it was kinda funny. And then we went to McDonalds cause my brother and Katie's brother wanted to go out to eat, and I saw this guy, well heard this guy that sounded exactly like David Martinsek. I think he mighta been high or something, cause he was acting really ghetto and stupid... and he kinda looked like David Martinsek too, and he worked there. It was weird. Anyways... I think I'm starting to lose my memory or something. oh well. lalala. I should do more of my Eurasia essay... but I'm not really in the mood to write anything... fjkdla;h. I'm gonna go now, it's to early to have anything special to say.

2003-05-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

It was fun today, other than the 5K being cancelled, (two years in a row baby... except we might have to run it in school, fingers crossed) anyways... Watched the Matrix, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Like Mike, and the Sum of My Fears, some with Nuole, Al, and Josie but others with "my family" how sweet. Anyways, Al, Nuole and Josie came over at like 11 since the 5K was cancelled (though we were going to do a movie thing anyways, cause Al Nuole and Josie hadn't watched the Matrix, I mean come on!) So I'm gonna go see Matrix2 next week, either on Friday night or Saturday... can't see it on Thursday cause Mr. Vaughn is having a history exam on Friday. (cross your finger that he moves it to Monday... cause that's what he did to the essay and the test before, moved it like back a day...) Then I would go on Thursday, oh well... Jack Liu is a retard, that's all I have to say, I am not a whore and don't "hang" on people like a whore either...

Do you ever get the feeling that the people that you might consider your friends wouldn't do much to "defend" you or help you later on? That they just pretend to care, as a sort of game? Oh well, won't think about that now...

2003-05-10T16:20:00.000-05:00

The 5K was cancelled again... it was thundering and lightening and there was a tornado warning... which either means it's totally off or we're going to do it on school later thise week, which will suck even more... But gotta go and write my essay, later.

2003-05-09T20:59:00.000-05:00

5K is tomorrow... and it's supposed to be like drizzly and humid, extremely humid, as humid as it was today. It's gonna suck. Went to Delights, i couldn't really taste my Strawberry Kiwi Banana with mango juice smoothie... cause my nose is stuffed up. It's weird how when your nose is stuffed up you can't taste anything, it just ruins food, I don't wanna eat anything good cause then I won't be able to taste it and it ruins it all. Anyways, played basketball for a while, but it was extremely hot so I went home and then we went shopping and I got food that I like so that when I get better I can eat it. I'm eating strawberries right now. wow, I'm obsessed with food, I'm done. I would pray for lightening tomorrow, but then that would mean we'll probably have to do it during classes, which sucks even worse because running in class is worse than running around a "new surrounding." I ran like one lap last year in the rain, wow, was that interesting. I got sick after that, oh well. I'm gonna go now and stretch out and then get all "psyched" for the race tomorrow! buh bye

2003-05-08T22:31:00.000-05:00

Sigh... today was fun, except now I'm like sick, it sucks, cause I still have to run the 5K. Anyways, who knew that studying could actually be fun, Josie and Katie... Robbie had sex with George in his boxers, it didn't work too well, oh well. It was actually kind of funny. Rumors spread easily and they're so much fun, even though they aren't true, sigh. I'm tired and my throat hurts, I actually have nothing interesting to say today... so I guess this is going to be extremely short and all... Other than the fact that men aren't better, austin... cause it's the truth...

2003-05-07T21:12:00.000-05:00

We learned in Eurasia that the nursery rhyme, "Ring around the rosy a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down..." was one that the people used as a dance during the Black Death in England in 1348. We also talked about the danger and all, how when the whole world or everyone in a neighborhood/town knew they were going to die soon, you get a whole new perspective of life. You don't care and can do whatever, allowing children to run free, and you to like die, but joyously, if that makes any sense.

I rode back home from piano lessons, and I was watching the sky. I had watched the sun set a while ago and I was just sitting outside on the patio. I was thinking about everything. Thinking about how some people's smiles are so catching and can make your day so much better, no matter what kind of feelings you have for them. Those people, also that smile rarely, you just feel happy and seem like you did something in the day, when you actually get them to smile, cause it's amazing. I don't know why, but this certain person's smile is like catchy and sometimes I feel happy afterwards either seeing them smile or even getting them to smile. There isn't any "emotion" exactly involved in it... but it just makes me happy. Then I thought about someone else, Katie, that person that I told you you were lying about... I realized that I might have the same feelings for them, kinda weird if you think about it. Cause I haven't exactly thought about it until the night. But you know it's more like a feeling that I realize that they're there and I still can't forget what happened before, but I don't take that into consideration. They still give me an amazing feeling afterwards sometimes when something good happens. But other than that... it's sort of gone...

I like this week, it's really nice... there's like so many people to thank for that... lotsa luv.

2003-05-06T21:06:00.000-05:00

I had a nice day, but I don't wanna explain it here and now, so I'm gonna think if over in my head and enjoy it. sigh. I was so happy at school today, and I had no idea why. it was the strangest feeling. I just feel as if there was nothing wrong for a certain point in time. I don't know why... I just feel... incredibly nice

You know what's weird? How you can be involved/in the middle of some situtation, when it doesn't involve you at all? It's so messed up, cause you don't wanna be involved in it but somehow you are and you don't know why. and then everything turns on you and it's just like the saying don't kill the messenger... sort of... I guess... but it's still really annoying too...

"God put the moon in the sky to remind us that our darkest moments lead us to the brightest."

2003-05-05T22:15:00.000-05:00

I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A DAMN! I really don't... not at all... so just go and fuck yourself... ugh... ok, I'm done.

2003-05-05T21:43:00.000-05:00

People need to stop supposing stuff... that they don't know is true... cause that's not a good habit to get into...

Have you ever had the feeling that everyone just plays pretend? Nothing's as real as it seems, that people "use" you or do something just for fun? And it's to make a loser out of you...?

Have you ever had the feeling that you don't care what other people think, but then you do because they shouldn't think it because it's not true... but they've already believed it and thought it and expressed their feelings...

Have you ever had the feeling that nothing good is ever gonna happen? Everything/Everyone you've gone after is a waste of time now?

Have you ever been like tricked or fooled or whatever so many times that you don't want or know how to believe something someone tells you because you don't want to be so gullible again? Ben, this is all your fault... If you haven't played all those tricks and jokes and making all those bets, maybe I would be more trusting...

2003-05-05T21:25:00.000-05:00

I watched Everwood today.... it was interesting. This girl, who was 17, went out with this guy that was about 20ish. And they had sex and she got pregnant. And she was pregnant for 62 days (Supposedly after 54 days you're able to see all the organs of the fetus inside the body... it's like a living breathing human being not able to survive outside of the human body.), and her dad forced her to have an abortion. She had like no other choice, but going to the doctor he gave her choices on what to do. and if you think about it, I don't know which one would be more painful, having an abortion or actually going through and having the baby. Not physically painful but emotionally. I mean you have to live with those two choices for the rest of your life. Especially when you're like only a teenager... You'll remember either yourself killing a baby that coulda had a perfectly fine life or giving it up, and you never know what's going to happen to it. I mean I guess if you keep it it would be different, but it would still leave some memory and hold some kind of emotion. And you know, if our society didn't hold it as it being such a big deal, sex before marriage, maybe a lot of people wouldn't go around having sex... Everything about our society makes it so that you think sex is bad and if you do it you'll burn in hell or whatever, and I mean it's not... (this does not mean I'm gonna go out and have sex before I get out of highschool or anything... and if I was to, which I'm not saying I am, at least it would be protected... though that doesn't always help and you can still get STDs...) The whole topic is so controversial... But messages are still going out about the fact that unprotected sex is bad and you probabky shouldn't have sex anyways before marriage...

Anyways... I would like to congratulate Justin on his job well done... Is that how you spell congrdulate? oh well... congrads... that's better... or is it like congrats?

2003-05-05T11:02:00.000-05:00

fjdksal;h... fjkdla;h.......... I'm bored...................................... Free period is boring. I have nothing to do. Josie is the coolest person ever~!!!! except not really... jk.......................... But do something interesting, so I can laugh at you. Hi Tom. sigh... I'm leaving.

2003-05-04T22:37:00.000-05:00

You know what's amazing? How much you can find out about a person by just asking one question. It doesn't even matter that much what kind of question... who you asked, it's like a whole puzzle putting itself together. (Except with like some pieces still missing, oh well) People are amazing.

2003-05-04T21:46:00.000-05:00

La la, today was cool. i watched like three movies for the whole time, while obviously doing my homework. (Ice Age (haha, yeah), Never Been Kissed, and Hardball) i also went to my brother's Chinese School performance thing and it was interesting. Dude, yesterday when I went over to Yiru's house, her brother's like 3 and he is intimidating. He has like this menancing face that just scares you, especially when he has something hard to hit you with, and he will throw it. To think that I'm scared and intimidated by a 3 year old, that's sad. but he was scary, just like the guy at the library, he looked like he was gonna hurt someone... and then those two girls looked like they were doing some sort of drug dealing thing... anyways, at the Chinese School thing it was boring... until the end. There were all these really little kids, well like probably 7-8, and they were all boys... and this one little boy kept going duh to everything I said, and in this really annoying voice. So I called him stupid and a loser... and he goes, duh... and I said that meant he agreed with me and he said duh. All he said was duh. I asked what his name was for god's sake and he goes, duh. It was stupid. then Kody, Katie's brother, decides to hit me, so we start a "fight" and of course he loses. But then like 3 other kids get in and like they push the chair while I'm trying to keep Kody away, and so I like almost fall into this one guy (he was cute, and he goes to Centenniel or something) And then this other little boy, who I have no idea who he is, just comes after me and scratched me and like kept hitting me, he was being stupid. I threatened him though, I felt bad, and he still didn't leave me alone. So the guy who I fell into made him go away... I don't think he "hurt" him. then I started talking to him, he has the cutest most adorable little brother, who's like 3 or something. Then the same little boy came and took the roses they were giving people and hit me with it, and guess what, rose's have thorns. So then the guy takes it away from him and makes him go away again, I was seriously going to hurt that little boy, I didn't even know who he was and he was bugging me. Then the guy gave me the rose, awww... how touching, lol. But it was fun... though you know what? I don't even know his name, and he doesn't know mine, how interesting. never really came up. oh well. Anyways... that's the highlight of my day. so yeah, later.

2003-05-03T23:34:00.000-05:00

I forgot to tell you the story about the library things that happened, but I don't wanna explain cause it'll take too long, but it was really interesting, maybe I'll explain tomorrow.

2003-05-03T21:39:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. We went to the Humane Society and cleaned out all of the cages and they have us large T-shirts to wear, it was really big. Then we had bagels and cake, and it was so good, the cream cheese especially, it was really really yummy. hmmm... then I went to the library and checked out books and movies, and then I went over to this girl's house, yiru, and went to a barbeque picnic thing. We played Croquet (it was fun, the little arches you put the balls through were like barn animals) and then tried doing cartwheels, all I have to say is TRIED... It didn't work too well, I like twisted so many things. We had a grass war, it was interesting. Then we went over to their house that they're building in ironwood and spent like an hour there, ugh, it was so boring, there was nothing to do and it was like just wood... It was annoying hearing them talkign continuously about hwo big it was, how expensive, comparing and everything, it's like, it's a freaking house. Oh well then I came home and watched Gladiator again. And now I'm sitting here waiting for people to get online... la de de...

2003-05-02T22:21:00.000-05:00

God, I read through some of my old posts, and they sound so stupid and immature... it's all like, yeah, I liked this guy and he said this to me, and I'm like hehe, and it's so stupid, how do you delete them?!

2003-05-02T22:08:00.000-05:00

In a freaking period of let's see, 10 minutes... my parents are able to annoy me to the point in which I am about to kill them. My dad comes home, after doing who knows what, and just annoys me, he says the stupidest things sometimes and it gets on my nerves. My mom sees me pour a cup of milk, and picking up the cup and drinking it, yet she still has to come over and ask me if I'm drinking the milk, spilling like half of it on my shirt. I don't know if it's the things they do that annoy me so much or it's the fact that I am so pissed off right now that anything at all will annoy me... well almost anything. I can't stand today... It's like to the point that you're so angry you just want to cry... I wanna curl up on my bed and just go to sleep and dream all my troubles away, drifting away into something that's not reality. Then wake up tomorrow morning and start a new day, a better day, hopefully. (Or just to stay asleep in bed and now ever have to get up again...?) sweet dreams...

2003-05-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

Today was hell... that's like the one word I would use to describe today... It was just stupid, even though it was a Friday. I was so tired the whole day and couldn't get any work done that I felt like doing. Then during CS I had to write my whole progress report again because the stupid computer didn't save it yesterday. And then I did my flowchart during 4th hour/finished it, and when I printed it out, the printer ran out of paper, so I tried to reprint it on the back, but I put the paper in wrong, so it overlapped. And then so I decided to print it out during 7th hour and guess what, the file wasn't there anymore in the way that I wanted it to be. So I had to turn in the one from before, even though you couldn't read it, but at least it won't be a zero, it'll just be a check - which I think is stupid but oh well. Then we went to Delights, and I was going to get a Smoothie but I felt like getting a Delight, so I had a Snicker Fudge delight, sounds like something really good and chocolatey, but it figures I'm not in the freakin mood for chocolate and it was so sweet and too sugary and I couldn't eat it so I gave half of it to Roveiza and Lucy. Played basketball, nothing bad happened... figured out that whenever nuole thinks of sluts she thinks of condoms (lol nuole) And then I come home and decide to do my math, on a freaking friday... and it was like 4, and then I stopped and I went out to play bball again. And then while I'm on the phone with Josie my parents decide to argue and scream at each other and be very stupid. Cause my dad keeps like either losing money.winning money on stocks and my mom just doesn't want him to do that cause it's a waste of time. So they argue about money and my dad's like well if you don't like it you can stop it by divorcing, in Chinese of course, and they kept arguing at the same time I'm on the phone. (My mom just asked me what kind of fruit I want to eat and I say watermelon then she asks me, why do you want watermelon... that was stupid) Anyways, and they're yelling at each other and talking about leaving except they wouldn't do that... I think... And then I'm sitting in the car on the way to the mall and I'm thinking, what's the point of a person's life. I mean this is gonna sound suicidal, but I mean seriously, what is the point? You grow older, more mature, etc, smarter supposedly, la da da da, go to college, get a job, and do something with your life so you can create something, make something, and do something that'll prob hurt the world more. I mean if you just died now, what would be the loss? Ok, if I was to go right now and kill myself, ok, my parents would be sad and wonder what the hell was wrong with me, but what is there to do? Wake up, eat, go to school, learn stuff you'll need for the future, that doesn't do anything. It's just so stupid. Or maybe it's just cause I'm just so annoyed now and wrote a hell of a lot of stuff and ugh. I am so pissed... nothing's going right, nothing's happening, nothing really f*cking matters. I feel bad cussing, so I'm not going to. sigh... ok, I am done complaining, I'm going to go to sleep now, good night, sweet dreams, blah blah, good bye, lotsa luv, ttyl, etc, whatever kind of good bye you can think of. (On the bright note, Nuole and I kicked Justin and Udara's ass in Kemps...)

2003-05-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

went to the soccer game, I walked back home with Nuole. The game was really cool, you get so much into it as like a spectator. Lucy and Shruti scored a goal each, JV game was tied 2 to 2, it was cool. I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a really nice day tomorrow, I don't know why, but it seems like it'll be cool, I wanna go outside and watch the moon, the "new" moon. later.

2003-05-01T16:56:00.000-05:00

What is with that feeling that you get that you love hanging out with someone and you can't go a day without at least saying one word to them, or else it just seems like you didn't do all that you set out to do...? I mean that doesn't always mean that you like that person, but then you think about and it's like well if you like hanging out with them and have to say something to them once a day, it kinda means something, but it shouldn't...?

2003-05-01T14:55:00.000-05:00

Cs if boring right now, I have 5 minutes of class left. You know what's really fun? oh wait, I should tell you this first, Lucy has 3 whole dollars and she's proud of herself. Justin has his headphones on and you say/do anything to him and he doesn't realize, it's like really loud. It's actually really fun cause you can insult him all you want and he won't say anything to you, he just nods his head to the music so it's basically like he's agreeing to what you said. haha. I want candy, like starburts or jollyranchers or some kind of sweet candy cause I want energy. ring ring, phone.

2003-05-01T14:24:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the last line of that post, Justin was being stupid. i have a crush on him oooh baby

2003-05-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

Today is May 1st, May Day... it's the first day of the month and it's a full moon, it's very exciting. Anyways... we ran in fitness today, and like half the subbies where there, it was so humid and crowded, though it was a lot of fun and "entertaining". poop- Justin. sigh. I have nothing to do in Cs. I'm gonna go to the game afterschool, but it's going to be raining and all wet, except I hope it gets better at like 6 because that's when like JV starts. Dude, today in PE, Doug almost said the word shit, it wouldn't have been a big deal but like he has this thing against saying that students especially and all. But I think it accidently slipped... oh well. Tomorrow is a half day, or not a half day i have a pet hampster and u eats its poo

2003-04-30T22:45:00.000-05:00

We're learning about animals, like simple ones in bio, and it got me thinking in class, you know how humans communicate, they talk and walk and have a "social" life and all, hormones, etc. Well animals obviously communicate, but how? Do they have actual activity where they have social lives and all, what is it like? Like for some animals like worms, they just go through the ground and filter the dirt and die when the rain is coming out. But since we have such "developed" brains, are we able to say not to do that? and do they feel the pain and do they think before they die? It's so weird...

2003-04-30T22:37:00.000-05:00

I love some people these days, they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside....

2003-04-30T22:35:00.000-05:00

Today was interesting, especially CS, (hint hint : Justin...) See now I guess you/he can't come to Delights with us and play bball cause he's got himself a quadrouble date (is that how you even spell it? Cause it's like a double date and then like a 4 couple date thing, except they're not even couples. It's weird) Bio sucks... I can't remember half the stuff he's telling us to... ugh... May is like jam-packed... You know what's really weird? When your like subconcious mind is telling you to not do something your "real" mind is telling you to do cause it's wrong, but you do it anyways, and you feel bad about it later? Whenever I ride back from piano it's like I'm having a conversation with myself, it's the weirdest thing. I'm like talking to myself outloud, since it's really dark and all and I hate the feeling of being alone or w.e. Just like I'm not gonna swim cause when you're in the water at like 5:30 in the morning, the only thing you can think about is yourself, and you're in there fore like an hour and a half and there's nothing you can think about and you're all alone cause you're underwater and swimming, there's like no communication. At least in basketball you actually have like other people you can talk to or w/e. And you can't even hear people cheering when you're swimming. Bio is so hard to memorize. It's that feeling you get before an exam, where you're thinking you don't remember any of this stuff, but then when you get to the test you really don't and blank our for about 5 minutes, that's what I always do, and then I remember, or sometimes I don't because I really don't know the stuff... That's what i'm feeling now, so I'm studying way more than I have to... sigh. I'm gonna stop writing now.

2003-04-29T21:13:00.000-05:00

God, now I know what they mean this whole packed thing starting in May in like the last month of school. I have a bio exam on thursday and piano lessons on Wednesday which I haven't practiced and I need to. I have a math quiz tomorrow which I don't know whether to study for. So during free period and lunch and french and Cs I will do my homework that's due on Thursday so I just have bio to do the night before. And I'm actually gonna do some studying tonight, how fun. I want sleep. I want a boy... haha. sounded wrong, oh well. hmmmmmm... I am so bored and there's nothing to say cause I didn't do anything today so yeah. I'm gonna go now, later.

2003-04-28T22:51:00.000-05:00

I care too much what people think and what other people do, I'm gonna chill. Though this is not saying I'm wrong about the whole thing I was talking about before cause I am completely not in fault. But from now on, I'm gonna chill... or at least try to, enjoy life... yup... I am bored. geeeeeez... I can't win at a game of solitaire, this is pathetic, I'm gonna go to sleep now, I can't keep my eyes open, sweet dreams.

2003-04-28T21:16:00.000-05:00

Hmmm... i should be practicing piano or like doing bio, but I don't feel like it, though I'll end up having to do it anyways. You know, the new moon is on Thursday, and it's May the 1... maybe it's supposed to symbolize something... I'm in the Eurasia mood, writing an essay about symbols. But hey, I hope May the 1st is a nice day, or at least all the days of this week. It's so stupid, people telling other people about how much of a bitch you are even when they don't know half of the story and they try to get people to turn on you because they think you're stupid when in reality they're stupid and all. Ugh... though I think I'm making a big deal out of what they're telling other people. Just not a big deal out of what they did and all, because it was their fault, and you don't do that kind of stuff to a friend and someone who's the friend of the person who was treated like an asshole has a right to care no matter what. even though it is the bitches problem in the first place, though I wouldn't call them a bitch cause that's mean... sigh... wow, that was complicated...

2003-04-27T21:16:00.000-05:00

Everything is so messed up. It's so complicated. I don't know what to do. I always have doubts it I'm gonna do anything with my life, like grades, college, job, you know, the academic stuff. If you're gonna make anything out of yourself. Then you have to worry about the social aspects, do people actually like you or do they pretend to, are you ever gonna get a guy, a first kiss, get married, etc. It's just so much to think about... though I guess you really don't have to think about, it just pops up in your head and you make a huge deal about it, and then you're self-concious and don't do anything you want to. Which is why I'm glad for the days, such as Fridays, a nice day to go up on the hill, swing on the swings, eat ice cream, be a kid. I wish I could be a kid again, or at least get over this awkward stage. sigh... I should do my flowchart, but seriously, what's the point?!

2003-04-27T21:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Spring Fling, was an "interesting" dance. I cant' say I had the best of times cause I would be lying... I thought it was good that we raised money and all, but I didn't find it to be one of the best dance... well alot of other people did... but oh well... More people went than we expected and some people didn't go that we were expecting, and others were just bitches... yup. Today was fun, it was a really nice day out. I went to Orchard Downs and we played bball for a while and then as Nuole and I were walking back to my house, we saw this piece of string tied to the ground, it was like a kite string. So we were looking for the kite, and we looked in the trees and all, but I finally found it up in the air, it was really high up, it seemed like an airplane could hit it. It was amazing. We walked to see where we could get under it and all, and we walked for about 1 minute. We walked from the fields over to the basketball court, it was amazing. The kite was so small and such a thin piece of string held it up, it was just cool. It looked like the kite was a mile up, and that's where I wanted to go, up in the sky away from all of this crap and stuff. Just to float up there and look down at everything else.

2003-04-25T22:33:00.000-05:00

It was such a nice day today, Friday's are always so nice... We went to Delights again, and since it was cold and rainy I went and got a Hot Chocolate. But Nuole, like the person she is, lol, jk, got a Delight, basically an ice cream blizzard. (One time she got a Cappuchino when it was like 70 degrees out) Well she was cold because of the ice cream and the sprinkle of rain, it was kinda funny. Then we got to her house and we went to play basketball. Once again, she wore shorts, cause the sun just started shining on the bus ride back. So she wore shorts and a T-shirt and it was FREEZING. but oh well... after about 10 minutes we went back to her house and we went to take a walk up the hill and around, talking about anything and like everything, it was fun. But you know, the evening ended out perfectly fine, went shopping with Nuole, got a T-shirt and then tomorrow is gonna be jam-packed with stuff... it'll be fun though. But at school it was like hell or w/e, major things happened, that people thought were completely huge and then like it seemed like it was all my fault... and everything just went to hell... or yeah... if that even makes any sense. Tomorrow will be fun! I can't wait... up until we go out to dinner at El Torerro, I'm gonna wear sweats and like old clothes, cause it's more comfortable. Hmmm... Friday's are so cool, or at least I forget about what happened at school and just have a nice afternoon.

2003-04-24T21:40:00.000-05:00

God, it's thundering now, you know, I've seriously always been freaked out of storms. I always thought like a tornado would happen and I would be asleep and not hear the siren, or like a tree'll fall down on me, or whatever bad thing can happen, I've hated them, they freak me out, and I can never get to sleep. I am so paranoid. But I think I've actually gotten better at not being so freaked out, but tomorrow better be a nice day because I want to get some ice cream and play bball... fjdkla;h... bored.

2003-04-24T19:46:00.000-05:00

Today was awesome, well at least the afternoon was. In PE we were all really "immature" we played tag like in the beginning of class. It was fun, we just like went down the line, it was awesome. Then we played wiffle ball, and you know, I hit the ball, but then I ran into it and almost tripped over it, it was horrible. I got out, I thought it was quite amusing though. Then Eurasia was a bunch of laughs cause everyone was just messing around cause it didn't seem like an actual class and all. But tomorrowe have fitness and I really don't wanna run 40 laps or do 25minute aerobics, I wish it was something interesting, like different. When I was coming home from the library I saw these twins running ahead of their dad who was riding one of those 5 year old pink bikes, it was funny, and the mom was rollerblading with the stroller in her hand. It was a really weird sight though it was like a family outing and w.e. I don't have much to say, other than the fact I'm still it... hmmmmmmm... Friday's tomorrow, which means DELIGHTS! And Saturday will be a busy but really nice day, but right now I'm gonna go.

2003-04-23T20:43:00.000-05:00

I got home, practiced piano until like 5:30 and went to play basketball. We played games of knockout, and I won like 4 out of 6... it was nice, lol. But then again there wasn't any competition, cept Nuole. But afterwards I ate TGIF, leftovers, and then went to piano lessons. I had to ride my bike there and I wore sandals and a T-shirt and it was like 8... I was cold! On my way there I saw a squirrel that got hit by a car, it was all bloody and extremely nasty, I was sick to my stomach after that. As I came home I almost ran over the squirrel with my bike, it was soooooooo sad... It's so scary riding your bike home when it's like pitch dark and you see this stranger walking up and down the street, like he was a mugger or something, it scared the hell out of me, so I went a lot faster. I decided to go outside for a while and look at the stars while I thought some stuff over and then finished my book, which now I hate the main character, she is like a bitch. I would never want to be like her... It was really nice out, the stars were shiny and nice... I felt at peace.

2003-04-22T21:30:00.000-05:00

Geez, I wonder how people can be so stupid, but then again sometimes I'm that stupid so I shouldn't be talking. But ok, I'm a total bitch to Domier, I'm so mean to him, even I feel bad myself, but then he still asks me to Spring Fling... I mean seriously, you would learn, wouldn't you? So stupid... I am going to Delights this Friday and I'm gonna buy myself a Banana Cream Pie Delight... I had too many fruit smoothies, though they are soooooooooooooo good... I'm gonna go and do something now. So many people's sisters and brothers got into UNI this year, I'm so surprised, and they're so short! I DON'T FEEL SHORT ANYMORE!

2003-04-22T20:47:00.000-05:00

Today was... interesting. Mr. Vaughn's appendix burst, so he wasn't here today, it was sad... cause we had to spend the whole hour answer questions and reading, though the period went by faster, oh well. I went and got him a Get Well Card, it's so stupid, they don't make any cards that aren't like girly cards, so I got him this sort of history related amish card thing, really stupid. And then I got him a bar of chocolate, very exciting. I went to County Market, very stylish, and they took like 20 minutes to get a line open and then they had to get money to put in the drawer because the person ran out, oh well. God, Domier is so annoying, he has like 20 sns, and he keeps iming me at them, I keep blocking him but it doesn't really work. THIS IS STUPID! oh well... Today, I thought the stupidest things were funny, it was like I was high. I was walking home from where I get off my bus, and this red car drives by, and the driver was wearing all red, and he blended in with his car, and then this green car with the driver also wearing green, and then a black car with the same scenario, and I started laughing in the middle of the road I almost got hit with a car, I just found it funny, and I have no idea why. GOOD GOD, Domier just asked me to sf, see, I feel much better turning him down online and after he bugged me all day, I feel relaxed. but you know, I'm not mean enough to say fuck off, even though he has been annoying me... but I did say no... I wasn't about to say yes... Anyways, I'm gonna go, ta ta.

2003-04-21T19:11:00.000-05:00

Today was a cool day... I gotta say though, people aren't really subtle. I'm reading this book now, Angus, thongs and Full Frontal Snogging, and it's a really good book... I'm about done with it... It reminds me of my life now, like some of the things she has to worry about and all... (other than the whole making out with a guy prostitute, well a guy who teaches you how to kiss correctly... which just seems weird to me.) But anyways... hmmmmmmm... ummmmmmm... I have nothing to say, whatsoever. Let's see, whiffle ball starts tomorrow, it's gonna suck, I'll miss the ball completely, it'll be funny. Yup, nothing so far so I'm gonna go now! ta ta!

2003-04-20T21:58:00.000-05:00

Today was nice... Katie came over at like 1 and Nuole came over a little later, and we studied history for about 2-3 hours. Then Nuole left to go home, but since we stole one of her shoes in the closet, she wore Katie's shoe on one foot and her other shoe on her other foot. She walked all the way home and called us to go over to play bball. We devised a plan where we hid her shoe and told her we couldn't find it, it was funny. I had fun, and the things that some people say when they're in a group studying is just funny. But Katie just left now, at like 9:56 and I should study a little more... I talked to them and everything is all settled and I'm find right now. I had some interesting convos with a lot of people today, or should I say Katie did... but I have to talk to people tomorrow and I have to meet Josie at school at 7:45 and I REALLY need to tell her something, well I'm gonna go study for Eurasia, what a blast!

2003-04-20T12:21:00.000-05:00

Finding Easter Eggs is like finding a piece of happiness... lol. Everytime I found an easter egg if made me feel happy inside, I don't know why though. You know what? I'm freaked out that this guy thinks I like him, even though I don't, all due to a guy that probably messed up everything, oh well, and now he won't tell me what happened. I NEED to talk to them! I will start to hyperventilate soon, cause this sucks. ugh! Spring Fling's this coming up Saturday, pretty exciting. I got about 5 dollars worth from the Easter Eggs I found, it was pretty exciting.

2003-04-19T23:27:00.000-05:00

You know where your self-esteem goes? your self-confidence? everything that gives you the courage to do something? Down the drain. Your friend gets rejected, the guys you think you like like someone else, insecurity. I feel extremely insecure now and stupid and the whole life is stupid. I'm not doing what I have to do on Monday, cause it's stupid, cause 1) I don't like him in the first place (if people will get that in their head) 2) He's not gonna say yes... and there are so many others, but I'm not gonna put them in here. I just find that nothing is going my way, at all. I mean you know, I shouldn't care much, but it takes a lot to not care. I find nothing to be happy about right now, it's stupid. What seriously though is the point of high school? i mean ok, this whole rant is not because of what I heard or whatever, it's just I don't like what's happening to me right now! It's the stupidest thing ever. I have to study all day tomorrow for Eurasia, with Katie I think. Ugh, why can't at least one thing go right?

2003-04-19T19:08:00.000-05:00

It's not a good idea to play basketball outside when it's raining when you're wearing a white T-shirt, trust me.

2003-04-19T13:31:00.000-05:00

I got a hamster today... and it's the cutest hamster, except I'm scared to death for it. Cause like the last time I got a hamster, it died in a day because it got too cold, and it freaked me out, and I don't want this one to die in a day, so yeah. I'm actually starting to study for Eurasia, geez, i don't wanna take this exam, but oh well... I got the two cutest shirts yesterday and today Josie might get me another one, though I'd pay her back. one shirt says: Kiss and Tell, What will you reveal? And the other one has a picture of a monkey hulaing (the spelling is weird) and it's so cute! but oh well, I'm gonna go play some bball now, later!

2003-04-18T19:12:00.000-05:00

Today we didn't have any school, cause it was "Mid-Quarter Break" or Good Friday, but it's not politcally correct. So I went to piano lessons at like 2:15 and then Josie and Nuole came over and we went over to Orchard Downs to play bball, it was fun. Frank, Udara, Justin, cameron, Tomasz and like everyone was there. Josie and I made a deal with each other involving the guys, but Nuole chickened out... then again, so did Josie, I was the only one who didn' chicken out, though I didn't do it anyways. (cause Josie didn't) It woulda actually been nice if all 3 of us did it, cause then it would work out perfectly... yup, but we didn't have the guts. Then when Nuole left, Josie and I played Cameron 2 on 1. and we lost by who knows how many. (Josie was someone to stay away from, running around in her flip flops and her long sharp nails that scratch anyone who came too close :D!) But anyways, we stayed to watch the guys play like 21, it looked extremely stupid. Cause Josie was planning on doing it, but she chickened out.. so then I didn't have to do it! But anyways, she's still gonna do it. So there Josie!

2003-04-17T22:14:00.000-05:00

Pistashio13: Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like reaching for a star, you know you'll never make it but you just have to keep trying

I LOVE THAT QUOTE!

You know, there's always someone out there to spill your problems out too... especially different people for different problems, and then I have this.

2003-04-17T22:05:00.000-05:00

Ugh... I'm trying to forget about this one guy that I've liked for the longest time this year and I thought it was working. But then everything goes wrong. You talk to him again, he talks about a girl he might like (and he says the name) and how they could start something but doesn't. The reason is that he likes someone else or something, but you don't know who, and you get your hopes up, maybe it's you... but you think, if you think this, later on you'll get hurt even more, cause it won't be you, cause it's usually never you. But then you have to think that it might be, and it just screws with your mind? I guess it's just a hope, but it'll totally screw me over, and I was having such a good week, I knew I was over it... or so I thought.

2003-04-17T20:06:00.000-05:00

Sigh. I just had Chinese take out, it's soooooooooo good... hmmm... played basketball again. OH!! Afterschool, Nuole and I have this tradition where at the end of the week we stop by Delights and buy something there, a Smoothie, Ice Cream Sundae, etc, something to end the week with. I bought a strawberry kiwi banana with pineapple fruit smootie, it's so good. You take a sip of it and you can taste all four different flavors, with one dominant (strawberry) It's so cool, it's a blend of four flavors yet each one stands out seperately. It kind of reminds me of my life, right now it seems to be completely mixed together, something that doesn't sound like it could be good, but when you take out each aspect of it seperately, you can "taste" it seperately and everything just fits there... and it always turns out to be good.

2003-04-16T22:29:00.000-05:00

I like how one little thing can ruin your entire week. But you know what, (KT), I think you should start believing me when I say I really don't anymore, cause I just learned tonight that I don't or at least not to an extent to that night you told me about it. You know, he told me to my face tonight, and I didn't even think about it twice. I might have thought it over, but you know what? I think it's a good idea and I'm glad, cause I'm getting over it, and it's working out real nice. Though for some reason I think my week will go downhill from here... oh well, it was good while it lasted.

All it takes is some simple words
To break someone's heart
It happened once before
and tears came out
I cried myself to sleep wondering why
From that night I learned to move on
To live and learn
To forgive and forget
The next time I heard the same words
Those words that hurt before coming from someone's mouth
was coming out of yours
It didn't hurt as much
I came to realize
more about myself
how I really can learn to move on
To live my life not thinking of you
Every moment of the day
Thinking about what you think of me.
Instead I became a better person
and learned from my mistakes

2003-04-16T19:58:00.000-05:00

cause you run me too far... I need you, like water like mercy from heaven's sky, there's a freedom in your arms that carries me through I need you...

Anyways, I don't have much to say today. We have an exam tomorrow I have to study for, i have to practice piano, and I have a bio paper thing to write... So guess what? I'm actually not gonna procrastinate and all and i'm going to get down to business.

You know what I realized? There's this one person that I can always talk to, no matter what... it's like I'm comfortable being stupid around them, cause they won't care, it's a nice feeling, not being judged.

2003-04-15T23:11:00.000-05:00

Have you ever thought you knew someone, and they turn out to be the huge evil green monster who hides under your bed and comes out and scares the hell out of you, though they have the image of someone so sweet? Yup, now I know someone like that.

And then if you think about it, the people that talk about you behind your back, or the people that you find annoying and talk about behind their back, it's really your problem. There's something inside of you that hates them, can't stand them, those are the things that annoy you most about them. Maybe it';s not them, maybe it's you. So you know, I'm starting to live by that, that maybe it's not them that's annoying me, and it's something that I don't like about them that's annoying me, and it's making my life a whole lot better... Love ya all...

2003-04-15T22:57:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get "that look"...? That special look from someone special? That might not mean a big deal to a lot of other people, but to you it's perfect? The tilt of the head, the way their eyes sparkle, the smile... their postures, expression? And you look into each other's eyes without saying anything, just kind of looking? It's a special feeling, and it makes me smile. Nothing too special... Also the way some people look when they do certain stuff? It's "endearing", either one expression or a certain thing they do, it just makes you smile... I mean yeah, the whole look and endearing stuff, and all has to do with what you're feeling about them, but hey, it's nice to have those moments, it gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside...

I sound so cheesy in some of my posts...

2003-04-15T20:35:00.000-05:00

You know what? I just remembered when I was young, I loved water fights. I want to have one real soon, with a huge bunch of people... with unlimited water guns and balloons, and obviously water. I remember when I was in the 3rd grade, we had a water balloon fight, as a whole school, and I wouldn't participate because I was scared of the balloon, it scared the hell out of me. Then I remembered when I was in like 5-6 grade, my neighbor and I would always have water fights, or just run through the sprinklers. I love that feeling, when you're barefoot and you run through the cool water on a sunny day, it refreshes you! I want to have that feeling really soon, or a feeling just as good... I want another Friday to come, except i think this week's Thursday will be a Friday, since we don't have school on Friday, it's technically Good Friday, but we're not allowed to say that because it's being judging or something like that, oh well, we get it off for Mid-Quarter Break.

2003-04-15T19:47:00.000-05:00

I talked to Katie about the poem today... and we talked about who I coulda been writing about... and we came up with two ppl, one which was right and the other being Al... I don't believe it, this poem would never be about him... no offense or anything.

Anyways, afterschool, I came home and then at like 5 I went to Nuole's house and we played some bball. When we first went Frank was there and Jack, and then Frank left and we told Jack to find other people, other than Frank. So he came back with Frank, Justin, Udara, and himself. So Nuole and I first played 2 on 2 against Jack and this one little kid. Then when Daniel came, we played 4 on 4... Nuole, me, Udara, and Daniel on one team, and Frank, Justin, Jack, and that same little kid (though he's probably in the 5-6 grade) It was a lot of fun. Justin did this really sweet move, I was amazed, and so was like the whole court. He dribbled behind his back between Daniel's leg, and went for the layup, even though he missed the layup, the move was cool. He was happy about that move too... you could really tell, lol. Udara had some nice passes, the spin on that ball was awesome... Then Zhe came, and after he played a while, everyone just left. (And just for the record, Justin, if I had played one on one against you, I woulda kicked your ass...) But it was a lot of fun in general (except, Daniel needs to stop screaming "Chen" every single time I do something wrong, even though most of the time I didn't do anything wrong. Anyways, it was a fun afternoon/evening.

2003-04-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

If I could reach up and hold a star for every time
you've made me smile, the entire evening sky
would be in the palm of my hand.

If I could reach up and hold a star for every time
you've hurt me emotionally, the entire evening sky
would be in the other palm of my hand.

If I could keep each memory and thought of you
as a grain of sand, it would take an eternity
to sort through it.

The emotions going through each memory
The pain of each thought
No matter how much it hurt
Or how much of a waste of time it was
it was worth it

To be able to look back and realize
that deep down inside, you did more good than bad
I learned from my pain and from that I grew
Realizing life's not just fun and games
I learned from the love I gave,
it would always come back to me.

And even though you didn't love me back
No time was wasted, no emotions wasted,
it was all worth it... and it still is.

I shot for the moon,
and even when I didn't make it
I landed among the stars
something just as good...

This poem, that I wrote, amazingly, describes exactly how I feel... Do you realize that poems always turn out better when you're actually going through the emotion/thought/of what you're writing about? When you're actually in the mood?

2003-04-14T17:38:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm starting to feel extremely bad and immature. Nuole and I were playing basketball, and this guy that we knew was playing on the other side of the court. And he wasn't wearing a shirt, it was lying on the ground near our court... we didn't do anything immature like, eww, he doesn't have a shirt on kinda immature or that kind of immature, cause that would be kinda stupid. But what happened was when we left. Nuole dared me to steal his shirt, oh, get this, triple dog dared me... haha... and it was such an easy thing to do cause he had this back turned and all I had to do was grab it. So I did, and afterwards, I'm like, omg... but I couldn't put it back because then it would be stupid. So we carried it about 10 feet or so away, probably a shorter distance, and hid it behind the trash can... (Nuole told me to throw it in the garbage...) and then we left... And as we were leaving, just at her apartment, we realized that he saw that his shirt was gone... But now I feel bad cause I don't know if he'll ever find it, oh well... sorry.

2003-04-13T23:27:00.000-05:00

Why is that when you think you know someone, u don't really. That is seems that people think that you're immature for doing things that you enjoyed doing when you were kids? I mean yeah that was like 4-5 years ago, but it's a lot of fun to do those things again. Nothing can ruin that much fun, even some uptight stuffy person. I just called one of my bestest friends that lives in Idaho, and we talked for like an hour, it was her birthday, very exciting. Why is it that some people seem to imply something and want you to ask a question? Why is it I'm asking questions about stuff that doesn't really matter, it's just fun... even though I should probably get to sleep, though I woke up at 12 today, so I'm not exactly tired... but whatever, I'm rambling so much. L a t e r... I really don't care about him... (Katie... though you don't believe me!) but I guess if I even bother having to write that in here, it says something different, but nope... good night, sweet dreams, lotsa luv, all the other good stuff! I'm thinking I might actually ask someone to Spring Fling... though it's a secret... it's probably not who everyone thinks it's going to be... allllrrriiiighht, I'm gonna stop talking, cause I'm sounding stupid, lotsa luv, XOXOXOXOXOXOX, yeah, ok, later

2003-04-13T21:17:00.000-05:00

You know what really disgusts me? I found this from a research facility webpage, but statistics show (in the year 2002) that out of 5 million kids, 62% were "screened in"... which means that they were abused or neglected by their own parents. You know that is just horrible and disgusting...

Dude, this person just came by our house and dropped off a dress that they bought just for me! and it's really pretty... lol. Well it was someone we knew, but still... Yesterday I went to see Bye Bye Birdie, our school's musical, and it was FANTASTIC! Wow... I didn't know Hugh could move his hips like that, lol... I really loved that play, I can't believe I was going to miss it, geez... You know, the feeling was Friday stil stays over, and it makes you all happy. siiigggggghhhhh, that's a good sigh, lol, I better go now, later!

2003-04-11T21:42:00.000-05:00

Today was awesome... It was another one of those days that you don't know why, but it's just really nice... It was a nice sunny day out and there was a slight breeze, no clouds in the sky, and everything was just perfect. I went over to Orchard Downs with Nuole after school today and we went to play bball for a while. Then we went to the playground, see saw and the swings. but we got tired of that, so then we went over to the hill, where the track people were. We looked for four-leaf clovers and rolled down the hills, like kids... we were so "immature" but it was nice, not having any worries. Then I sat on the top of the hill, layed down in the grass and stared at the sky. It seemed that everytime the wind blew, they blew away a part of my problems... so I just feel extremely happy. The weather was perfect and everything was so peaceful, it was amazing.

Later we went over to the bball court again, and we talked to Justin and Udara for a while, interesting...? Then me and Nuole played them 2 on 2... And WE KICKED THEIR ASSES! haha... well that's only if they were trying, they were fooling around and just trying to look "cool"... lol, and they made some really nice plays/shots/moves. It was a lot of fun...

I just think today was awesome, and wish I could do that every Friday, it's such a nice way to end such a weird week... I guess it's nice to have a break once in a while... I mean to others today might have been ordinary, but to me, it just seemed amazing and something that I wish I could relive again, I keep playing it over in my head... It was just so.......... relaxing...